Yes…Maybe

 

Yes...Maybe

I couldn’t just tell Mr. Divine Yes.

I’m yet to give Mr. Divine the all important answer to his question. “Lindsay, will you marry me?” Since he has asked me I think I have experienced every emotion possible while I tried to decide what my answer will be. It’s not that he isn’t an amazing man, but for months after this epic question, I have been fighting my old friend fear when it comes to making my decision.

My fear had sent me into a spiral of asking ‘what if’ and you can believe me when I say it’s the worst place to be. I’m fighting my way out of that rut because the ‘he-may-be-like-Walter’ idea that has infiltrated my mind is the path to distraction. That is why I took a much-needed break, to just stop and think. At this point in time, I need to have a firm grip on the reality and truth that I know. That is, Mr. Divine is a good and kind man to my children and me.

So what do I do…tell this amazing man? He has been unfailingly patient with me. There for me when I needed to talk, vent, to be held and comforted. The question is do I love Mr. Divine or am I just clinging to the way he makes me feel. I took a break to just relax and think but still I couldn’t just tell Mr. Divine yes. That was when I knew we needed to talk. It was the only way I could be comfortable with the decision I finally made.  Tell Mr. Divine my fears, feelings and from there we would figure it all out…together. That was the only way forward and forward was where I needed to go.

Mr. Divine vs Walter

Mr Divine vs Walter

A ‘she’s-mine-s0-back-off’ kind of ring.

As I mentioned before, but I’ll update you if you missed it. Mr. Divine slipped a ‘she’s-mine-so-back-off’ kind of ring on my finger and asked me to think about being officially his. It shocked the…it shocked me but right now I’m wearing his ring and thinking about what he asked me. My daughter spotted the rock, gave me the eyebrow raise along with a thumbs up. I know she has told her brother because they have become like two peas in a pod, but now to Mr. Divine.

An old school friend I have become reacquainted with, Mr. Divine entered my life when I most needed someone to reassure me I was no a hideous troll. After all, when your husband of more than fifteen years just gets up and leaves you, it makes you doubt everything. Sometimes the feelings of worthlessness would creep into my mind and fill me even though I had been working on myself rebuilding my confidence. Mr. Divine’s words and attentive nature helped me to further look at myself and see my true beauty.

Those doubts are drifting away. With Mr. Divine for moral support, plus the children and I all pulling together life has gotten better. I have found myself settling into a more peaceful mental place, the place I want to be…need to be. The thing is now that Mr. Divine has slipped the proposal into the mix I feel fear and uncertainty trying to creep its way back in. When I think about this proposal, I find myself just frozen with the inability figure out what say to him. Mr. Divine had a special placed in my life but the past of my marriage is still raw in my heart. I need to figure out what to say to this amazing man.

Now I have been really considering Mr. Divine’s proposal but things have taken an interesting twist with who else but Walter. It seems that his woman who works at the same company as me, spotted my new finger real estate and told Walter. The phone calls started again….heavy breathing and endless hang-up calls. Like I don’t know it’s him. Sigh.

Just For Me

 

Just For Me

This was the perfect place to relax and refresh my mind.

 

I have been feeling rather out of sorts, the children’s and Mr. Divine’s suggestion I took a much-needed break on my own just to relax and think. I’ve been letting the thoughts race through my head and take over, and as a result, I’ve not been feeling myself. My distraction became obvious when I burned breakfast, lunch and dinner one day by just standing in front of the stove just looking off into the distance at nothing.

The break I took was to my favourite place, the beach. There I simply stepped back and allowed the beauty of nature to do its work. I needed the escape because my mind was filled with so many things it was consuming me. I had crashed big time and all I could think was that my life was a disaster. I was blind to the progress I had made leaving my abusive husband Walter, getting a divorce and restarting my life. Somehow I had stepped far into my head and derailed my progress by thinking I was a failure.

How did I get there? Sadly it was the ring I wore on my finger that Mr. Divine had given me. With that ring came shock and joy, then slowly the self-doubt started to creep in. Could I do this again, get married…be someone’s wife, again? What if what happened before started to happen again? These questions invaded me and took control. In truth, they poisoned my peace of mind and if I continued to let them, I knew these thoughts would destroy my new relationship along with any chance of happiness that I hoped to have.

Sitting on the beach I let the ebb and flow of the ocean cleanse me. I had overcome Walter, but if I let the thought of what may happen to me prevent me from moving forward then I was letting Walter defeat and control me again even though we were not together. I needed to judge Mr. Divine for who he was rather than who I feared he might become. So with every trip to the beach, I let my fear float away bit by bit with the receding tide and by the end of the break, I could look at Mr. Divine for who he was…a man I was starting to love. Now everything was becoming as clear as the waters that brought me peace.

The Up and Down

Ups and Downs

Sometimes you go up other time you go up.

Some days are good, some days are bad, some are amazing and some are horrible. That is the way things are at the moment, in a wild up and down that I haven’t settled myself about. As a result, I have not been able to write. Well more like I haven’t able to get the right words onto paper. A lot of things are going on but I need to get them in order to tell you all.

I have also been editing the main bulk of what I had published with the intention to have it published as an eBook. Going over what I have written has made me realized that I have held back a lot of the emotion and bad experiences that I have been through. I have told you all about the big stuff but I feel like hidden a lot. So I have been looking at what has and is happening and how I plan to approach what I will be writing next.

So be on the lookout for the cover of Diary of a Recovering Idiot soon and know that I have been working on bringing you the best most emotional charged story possible. Between editing, I will be working on getting you a new post soon. There is a lot to update you about so been on the lookout for what’s to come.

New Year, New Plans

New Year New Plans

Aiming for goal in the new year.

It’s a new year and so much potential is right around the corner for us to experience, that the children and I have sat down and started to plan. This year is very important for both of them because they will be doing exams that will move them to another level of their lives.

Kylie has brought up the idea of aiming for a sports scholarship and has urged me to set up a meeting with her coach to see what are her options. We should have probably had this discussion when Kylie was younger, but in truth all of us were just struggling to get through everyday life despite the drama of the divorce that filled our minds. Possibilities for the future weren’t even a passing thought.

The meeting ended up being easy to arrange and we soon found out that due to the fact both Kylie and Shane had been so active on the competition arena for swimming, plus the fact they did so well, put them in the line of sight of recruiters. They had the natural talent, plus good speed but both of them would have to push training to a higher level if they wanted to get scholarships. We talked to the coach and started to plan.

I was in awe by the attitude and seriousness of the children. They took note of the training they needed to undertake, nutrition to keep healthy, plus they started to talk back and forth about school-work and how to keep on top of it all. When the meeting was over we headed home and the children kept on talking and planning and I let them. One thing I have discovered is if you fuel a person’s enthusiasm then anything is possible. I wanted that for my children, endless possibilities and determination despite difficulties.

I left the kids to plan and come up with ideas of what they wanted to accomplish and I went to do the same for myself. What was next for me? It was time for me to sit and really figure out what I wanted to do next. Then there was Mr. Divine, where we were going in our relationship? It was time to make some choices as well.

Diary of Recovering Idiot is a work of fiction being written in serial format. It tells Lindsay’s story as she grows stronger and wiser.

Pasue for Christmas

golden christmas card

Merry Christmas and lots of live from my family to yours.

It’s Christmas Day, and as I reflect I’m very happy that I made it through. There was quite bit of chaos, but one thing I’m happy to say is that the children and I have become much closer. We talk, we debate and learn together while trying to build and strengthen our relationship. Despite drama always waiting to slip into our lives and take over, the kids and I are planning our futures.

My oldest Kylie is considering what she wants to study as well as where and how she plans to go about it. She excels at both sports and school, and is considering pushing more in both areas so she is eligible for a scholarship. She knows what she finds interesting but just the other day she told me she didn’t want to be just like everyone who went away to study and then simply just got a job. She wanted to be more. This is something I have heard both her and Shane saying and I suspect I know where this new determination has originated from. The man I’m now involved with, Mr. Divine.

An old school friend I have become reacquainted with, I started talking to Mr. Divine when we met several months after Walter left me. We became good friend before we became lovers and when the children finally met him they were in awe of this man that was so different from their father. He talked to them and would explain anything they asked about. If he didn’t know, they sat down and did research together. It was bad to compare but he was more of a father to my children than my now ex-husband, their father Walter.

Despite the divorce, Walter is still skulking about trying to cause conflict with the children. Plus now he has found out that Mr. Divine has asked me to marry him, so he is working at causing issues in the development of my relationship. I’ll tell you more about that later but all I’ll say is that Walter is trying to be a menace. He is in for the shock of his life if he thinks I’m going to let him interrupt my path to happiness after all the damage he has done already.

As Christmas approached I found myself eager and full of anticipation of what was to come. I had lost my love of the Christmas season several years ago, but I found myself feeling differently as it drew nearer this year. New things are in my life, so I will go with the flow and approach things differently. As I embrace change and look forward to this Christmas Season, I wish everyone an amazing time of discovery and renewal.

If you are new to my story, look out for the cover reveal of my eBook, Diary of a Recovering Idiot early in the New Year. It’s the story of the first two years of my life after my husband left me. I’ve caught the writing bug, so look for more stories in 2016 and beyond.

He is Mine – Part 2

He is Mine 2

He is waiting for me so we can have a nice, uninterrupted, intimate lunch.

I came back to the table and sat down and again Mr. Divine gave me those ‘help me’ eyes. I smiled and nodded. Through all of this Mrs. Touchiefeely had her chair almost in Mr. Divine’s space. In the distance I saw the hostess signal me and I nodded my consent.

She came over, “Excuse me sir but you are requested…”

He looked up at the Hostess, then at my smile.

“Okay. Excuse me.”

He got up, came over to me and tipped my chin up then kissed me long and slow before he walked away.

I smiled after him and from the corner of my eye I could see Mrs. Catty or Mrs. Touchiefeely, both apply take your pick on a name, watching him go like he was the last water she was seeing in a desert. Then the bovine had the gall to turn to me and give me a nasty look. I smiled back at her cool and calm.

By then the Hostess had gone back to her podium and signaled to me. I got up and Mrs. Catty snapped to attention.

“What is going on? Where is Mr. Divine?”

“You mean my fiancé?” I took his jacket from the back of the chair and allowed my ring to flash. Carefully I draped the jacket over my arm. I had not answered his unasked question but with a ring this huge on my finger I could say whatever the hell I wanted about out status.

I know it was horrible of me but it was fun to see her eyes bulge out of her head. Like I said before Mr. Divine had bought me a she-is-mine-so-back-off type ring.

“He is waiting for me so we can have a nice, uninterrupted, intimate lunch. The type of lunch we were having until you turned up and barged your way in.”

“Like you can keep a man like him satisfied. I’m they type of woman he needs.”

“Really! Yet he left the table and hasn’t come back. I see you are one of those woman who live on pipe dreams. Goodbye Catty, it was interesting seeing you again.

I could see how furious she was because I had snatched Mr. Divine away from her, but he wasn’t hers to have. I don’t knowingly share people.”

I have never and I mean never seen such a bold face move on a guy. What makes it even more disturbing is that she was doing this right in front of me. Well newsflash to any woman who thinks Mr. Divine is easy pickings. Think again. He is mine so hands off.

Diary of Recovering Idiot is a work of fiction being written in serial format. It tells Lindsay’s story as she grows stronger and wiser.

He is Mine – Part 1

He is Mine 1

Her gross disrespect had me close to having a blowup of epic proportions.

I know some people are bold, but all I could call the situation I was in a few days ago is a new level of cray cray. We were out. We being Mr. Divine and I, when we encountered one of our past school acquaintances. That was when a good day started to get very uncomfortable…all because of this woman.

What did she do? To say flirt outrageously would be to put it politely, to say she was trying to climb all over my man was putting it bluntly. Both Mr. Divine and I were in shock at what was happening and he flashed me the “are you seeing, this please help me look.” Let me tell you what happened so you can judge for yourself.

Like I said before, Mr. Divine and I were out, having a meal to be exact. This was when we saw, let’s call her Catty. We had already placed our order when she walked by and spotted us. Mrs. Lady, last I heard she was married, then stopped and had a conversation with Mr. Divine like I wasn’t even there. I will note we were in the same class at school. But Mrs. Lady was behaving like she didn’t know me.

Polite man that he was, Mr. Divine tried to bring me into the conversation. Mrs. Catty was not having it, going on and on, putting her hands all over Mr. Divine every chance she got. Then to our shock she grabbed a chair, pulled it over and sat down. Our eyes were both popping out in shock. Was she for real? Then she started with the heavy touching and leaning in.

I don’t know about the rest of you but her gross disrespect would have caused a blowup of epic proportions with a lot of other women, but if there was one thing I have learned to do was how to think outside the box. While she was touching on my Mr. Divine I was planning on how to get us back to our quiet lunch date. I looked around us and remembered where we were. Yes we did have options.

Mr. Divine did some of everything to hint she should get her hands off of him and leave, but it wasn’t working. She even called over the waitress and ordered her meal to be delivered to our table. I had had enough. I got up, took a trip to the bathroom and got things sorted out.

Diary of Recovering Idiot is a work of fiction being written in serial format. It tells Lindsay’s story as she grows stronger and wiser. Lindsay is done being nice and lets a potential poacher know that Mr. Divine belongs to her so back off in ‘He is Mine – Part 2’.

When A Man Wants More – Part 2

When a Man Wants More 2

Mr. Divine kissed me again, and as the sun dropped below the horizon.

I froze in shock. There was a ring on my finger, a very large diamond ring. I looked up at Mr. Divine unable to find the words to use in a situation like this. What do you say to a man you are involved with but not sure of your real status with, when all of a sudden you discover a huge ‘will you allow everyone to know that you are mine rock’, on your finger. Ahhhhhhh…I hit a huge wall of blank.

“Do you think you can add this to the list of things you need to think about?” Mr. Divine asked as calm as if he just wanted to know if I wanted a drink of water.

Again I tried to reply but still I couldn’t find the words…nothing came out. There was a huge ring on my finger and I’m not playing when I stress on the huge part.

“I…,” his fingers skimmed over my lips and I fell quiet.

“I know you are probably thinking it’s too quick because you just got divorced and what do you really know about me, but I want you to keep it and wear it. I want that every time you look at your hand you see my ring because I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

I looked at the ring and tried to absorb the words I had been told. Here I was, thinking…what does this man really want from me? Well I had been given a clear picture of his intent. One I had to be blind to miss. He was in this for the long haul and now it was up to me to take this information and figure out where to go from there.

I looked up at Mr. Divine and saw the truth in his eyes. He was in this for the long haul and it was now up to me.

“I’ll think about it and I’ll wear your ring but this is not something I’m going to rush into. After being married for some many years and discovering it was nothing but a lie, I need to take this slow.”

“I’m all for slow,” he said tipping my head back for a slow deep kiss. “Just make sure we keep on moving.”

Mr. Divine kissed me again, and as the sun dropped below the horizon, I dropped a little bit of my guard and let Mr. Divine further into my heart.

Diary of a Recovering Idiot is a work of fiction being written in serial format. It tells Lindsay’s story as she grows stronger and wiser. Lindsay lets a potential poacher know that Mr. Divine belongs to her so back off in ‘He Is Mine’.

When A Man Wants More? – Part 1

When a Man wants More 1

I saw a flash of brilliance on my finger.

Well finally Walter is gone. Well as gone as I can make him through the use of a divorce and I have been getting used to coping with things by myself. It has been a significant learning curve but I had no intention of letting myself fail at the task I had been given. This was one time I had no option.

A few months into my separation I encountered an old friend and we ended up talking. The main thing on my mind was, I’m in the middle of a messy divorce and I don’t want him to get the wrong impression about me. It turns out he was not easily put off and he has stood by my side throughout my divorce.

A few readers might be saying classic rebound situation but it was months after I had been separated before I met this man and several more still before it progressed beyond friendship and towards sex. He was a friend and confident first and much longer than he was a lover.

Now I am divorced the thing I have noted is that Mr. Divine is always there or at most a phone call away. This is new to me, as I was always the one calling Walter, but with Mr. Divine it was an even exchange of back and forth. It was starting to become something I could get used to. The thing is I don’t want to become dependant on having him close, then suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. My head was screaming that I should draw the line.

One afternoon I was sitting watching the waves flow back and forth at the beach with Mr. Divine by my side. I was supposed to be relaxing but in truth I was thinking. Thinking about the relationship I was involved in and where I was willing to let it go.

“Where have you gone Lindsay? You’ve seemed far away for the past few days.”

I didn’t want to tell him my fears but Mr. Divine was no fool and he seemed to be able to read my every mood. Right now I’m not sure what to say, so I tell him I have been thinking.

He took my hand and started to play with my fingers after pulling me into his arms. Closing my eyes I let everything simply drift away while I enjoyed the pleasure of his touch.

I must have drifted off because when I came awake the sun was fighting to make its last stand in the evening sky. Sighing I snuggled against him, rubbing my hand up and down his chest. That was when I saw a flash of brilliance on my finger as sun dipped behind the horizon.

Diary of a Recovering Idiot is a work of fiction being written in serial format. It tells Lindsay’s story as she grows stronger and wiser. Lindsay now has to deal with the shock of what she had found on her finger in part two of ‘When A Man Wants More’.